skool is hard

i'm home for break day, and boy do i ever need it. today we had "mid-terms" which ended up being a "fear factor" rip-off. we had been asked, while we were being interviewed for the show, what our greatest fears were. stupidly, we all were honest, each and every one of us. so my challenge was to face my fear of heights by riding up in a crane, 60 feet above ground.

i almost didn't do it- not because of the fear, but out of principle. i didn't want to do it- i don't care to overcome my fear of heights, and i'm getting a little tired of being asked to do things that have little intrinsic value for a mark that means nothing to me.

but it's more exhausting to not participate in the tasks than to just go along with them. we've all been raising our objections to various assignments- of course i think my own objections are reasonable, and sometimes find the others' tedious, but i'm sure they think the same about mine. most of the marks here are for particpation. it's kind of like being taught by the guy who's the restaurant manager in Office Space, the one who's trying to get jennifer aniston to wear more "flare."

and then the teacher who was to lead me, and one of my fellow students, through the task was none other than mr. chavez, my phyz ed teacher, the guy who's failing me.
so now i didn't want to look like a wuss in front of him.

fortunately, the student who was paired with me is a warm, generous soul, and we supported each other through it. in the end, the task wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. mr. chavez did give us some information before we did it about the reasons behind the fear of heights and that it can be overcome by focussing on one spot.
so i did a lot of deep breathing beforehand, and decided to focus on a very tall tree, so i wouldn't have to change my gaze as i went up. i know the production crew were kind of disappointed that i didn't freak out, but i don't give a shit. i needed to win my dignity back. i broke down a bit in anticipation of the task, and that pissed me off to no end, because i didn't want to look like any more of a wimp in front of that little twirp. the director, who's a great guy, assured me several times that i didn't need to do anything i didn't feel comfortable doing. but even though that was true technically, it really meant nothing because of all the emotional pressures involved in the task.

afterwords, everyone kept asking me if i felt like i'd achieved something. at times i sort of mumbled that i did. but i was seething. i felt defeated. i let them manipulate me into doing something i didn't want to do.

what does any of this have to do with school, you might be asking?
well, it doesn't really. i mean, this incident was such a clear rip off of other reality shows. in the show's defense, i know they were trying to get the students in a position where we weren't so secure, because we keep trying to teach the teachers.

but it did drive home even more for me the concerns i have about coersion in the classroom. why aren't more of my students seething as I was today? or maybe they are and they just express it differently. (and please, i'm not being hard on myself here- i don't think that my classroom is any more coersive than any other, in fact, i do believe that it's less coersive than many... but i've seen how the expectations of these young teachers have an effect on me....) after i got done seething, i just felt apathetic. i don't feel like doing anything for any of the classes anymore.

so even though it's been a pretty intense couple of days, i'm glad i'm doing this. it's good to be on the other side.