skool is out... almost

the second half of the "semester" was so packed that this is the first chance I've had to write about anything. and the reason I have this time even now is that I was one of the five people exampted from exams because of my marks. i cannot tell you what a kick-ass reward that was.

so much has happened, and i wish i'd been able to document it in the moment. i feel myself revising my own narrative of the events in keeping with the narrative structure the director was building. the main arc of the story for me will definitely be the struggles with phyz ed class. it was one of our first classes when we returned from break day, and, as the shooting involves a lot of start and stop, there was a significant break of time between tyler's announcement of the task for the day, and the class itself. enough time for me to forge a note from my mother saying that my doctor had forbid me to engage in physical activity for the rest of the week. the day's activity was introduced as "skooled boot camp" and we were to go through a number of physical workout activities, pushing ourselves to our limit. Ironically, these were all tasks I actually could have done without much struggle: push-ups, swimming laps, and working out in a weight room. But I was still sore from feeling manipulated and coerced, and the task seemed to be all about doing hard things because they're hard- and I've never been a good puritan.

Besides, I wanted to try on this new identity. In my own highschool experience, I never pulled this trick, or any trick for that matter. When faced with something I didn't want to do, I was never crafty. It just never occured to me. I would either comply, or confess straight on that I couldn't do it, often with tearful accompaniment. This time, I wanted things to be different. I wanted to access the power of the trickster, try it on for size. And it did work, to a limited degree.
During class, I felt positively giddy. The bubble was burst by an off camera conversation with tyler, where I realized that he was quite personally upset by what I'd done. he took it as a personal dis to what he believes in and what he stands for. He's a very determined young man, who has overcome much in his life. The value of overcoming struggle is one of his core beliefs, and I began to understand why he was taking my playful snub so seriously.

meanwhile, one of dre's comments to me about my performance in rock school class had hit very close to home. she'd rightly sussed out that I was held back by concerns about looking ridiculous. over the course of the show, in my thoughts leading up to it, in conversations with others, I'd been becoming increasingly aware of how much other people's opinions mean to me, and how they often make me more tentative than I'd like to be, how they undermine my confidence, and my ability to carry through an impulse without faltering. now here was a challenge that I *did* want to overcome. it had intrinsic merit to me. so I seized upon it and made it my homework assignment for phyz ed. to try to get over worrying about appearances and my fears of others' judgments, I went for 24 hours on the show without make-up. some of you will understand what a big deal that can be, esepcially since the stress of the show had gifted me with a fresh new break-out.

through this, I was able to offer tyler a show of good faith, give him something that I hope he realized was a significant act on my part, and way more challenging in some ways than any of the physical challenges I eventually undertook. My identity as someone who can conquer their fear of heights, or someone who can walk up a precarious concrete ledge, means very little to me. But my identity as an attractive person? Taking a risk with that was huge. and it had unexpected gains. It did, ironically, liberate me to a huge degree. i did go into the next rock school classes, where we were working on stage presence and style, a very different person. I had already given up control over my appearance, so it was very easy to adopt a different persona and style without much reservation. also fairly telling was the fact that within only those 24 hours, my skin had completely cleared. when the adorable young stylists (more about them later), went to do my make-up, they went to put on my foundation and looked and me and said, "oh, you're one of those people who don't need to wear a lot of foundation!" I'm not sure exactly what cleared my skin- the fact that I had finished all of my phyz ed classes and so my major stress of the show was over, or the fact that I had so significantly let go. I know that I also felt incredibly relaxed that day- my body felt fluid and limber.

one final irony in this whole experience. as i was typing this post, I received an e-mail alert that someone had made a comment to one of my earlier blog posts. it turned out to be a spam comment, but the title of the post intrigued me, so I took a look at it. guess overcoming struggle is one of my core beliefs too :)